The Transportation Deviation
by Phosphorescent
Summary: You didn't really think that Penny would let a drunk Sheldon take the bus, did you? A few missing/extended scenes from 6x07: "The Habitation Configuration."


_Disclaimer: TBBT is not mine. And frankly, it probably never will be.  
_

_A/N: Contains canon couples and strong Amy/Penny and Sheldon/Penny friendships. If you so desire, squinting and tilting your head will yield the faintest trace of non-platonic Sheldon/Penny, but YMMV.  
_

_A few missing/extended scenes from 6x07: "The Habitation Configuration."_

* * *

Penny was searching for her work blouse – maybe she'd left it under the bed? – when her phone rang.

One glance at caller ID informed her that it was Amy.

Glad to take a break from her search, Penny answered the phone.

"Hey, Amy," Penny said. "What's up?"

"Doubtlessly you remember that Sheldon and I had another Fun with Flags taping session scheduled?" Amy asked.

"Yeah," Penny said. "You were going to direct this one, right?"

Amy let out a sigh so loud and deep that Penny could practically feel its vibrations through the phone.

"It went _very_ poorly," Amy said.

"What happened?" Penny asked, flopping down onto her couch.

Apparently that was all the prompting that was necessary for a torrent of emotions to be released.

"Mr. Wheaton was inexcusably rude when I was simply doing my job and offered him some constructive criticism!" Amy ranted. "And frankly, Penny, he _needed_ it. How the man got a role in Star Wars is beyond my comprehension; he has _no_ acting talent."

"Star Trek," Penny corrected automatically.

Her eyes widened in horror when she realized what she'd just done and she smacked her forehead with a hand.

"What?" Amy asked.

"Never mind," Penny said quickly.

"Sheldon just let Wheaton call me names and went on to infer that he preferred his company over mine. What's the point of having a boyfriend if he won't stand up for me?" Amy asked, voice miserable.

Penny let out a sigh and said, "Look… Sheldon's different. You knew that when you got into this relationship with him. He probably didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

She carefully didn't add that she doubted Sheldon had considered Amy's feelings at all.

"I know. I'm still mad at him, though," Amy said.

"And you have every right to feel that way," Penny rushed to assure her. "He was an ass. I'm just saying… go easy on him, Ames. From the sound of it, he didn't even realize that he did something wrong this time."

"Well this is a strange turn of events," Amy said. "Usually you tell me that I am letting Sheldon 'walk all over me.'"

"And I still think that you need to stand up for yourself more often," Penny said. "Only you have to pick your battles. And on the Sheldon scale, this seems like a pretty low level offense."

"I will take your advice into consideration," Amy said slowly. "And I do like the idea of creating a scale to monitor and quantify Sheldon's behavior." She let out another sigh and added, "Bright _and_ beautiful; Leonard is truly fortunate. As it is, I feel better just having heard the soothing music of your voice. Thanks, Bestie."

"Uh, glad I could help," Penny said. "I hafta go now, though. I have work at the Cheesecake Factory in half an hour."

"Very well," Amy said. "Have a productive time at your place of employment."

"…Thanks," Penny responded. "Bye!"

And with that she ended the call and resumed her search for that freakin' yellow blouse. It had to be here _somewhere_…

Maybe someplace in the kitchen?

-–- -–- -–- -–- -–-

Towards the end of her shift, Penny turned around to see Sheldon awkwardly making his way over towards the bar, shoulders hunched inwards protectively.

She had to admit, she'd been half-expecting this ever since Amy called her.

Putting on an innocent expression and smile – hey, she _was_ an actress – Penny said, "Hey! What brings you in here?"

"Penny, if you wouldn't mind, I'd like to have a conversation about girls," Sheldon said, settling himself prissily onto a barstool.

Yep, here it was.

"Had a feeling we'd have a talk like this sooner or later," Penny snarked. (Hey, no reason why she couldn't get a little amusement out of this, right?) Leaning in towards him as though about to impart a great secret, she asked, "Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places?"

Sheldon shut his eyes with a pained grimace.

"Penny, _please_," he said. "I'm on the horns of a relationship dilemma. …And for the record, I've had a full pubus of hair since I was nineteen."

Penny froze for a second, half out of the shock of the contents of his statement and half due to the mental images that his words had placed in her brain.

She _so_ didn't need those pictures of his pasty, hairy junk in her head.

…although, Sheldon _did_ have a surprising amount of wiry muscle. Did that development extend to his, uh, pubus? Not that she cared. Only, some girls might find that kind of thing attractive. Y'know, like Amy. And hey, it was only human for her to be curious; kinda like being unable to look away from a train wreck. But –

Determinedly shaking both the mental images and disturbing thoughts away, she said, "And for the record: 'Blehhhh.'"

Quickly recovering from her mimed puking fit, she asked, "So, what are ya drinkin'?"

"It's been a rough day," Sheldon said with a sigh and downward glance. "I usually go chamomile tea, but I don't think it's gonna cut it."

And then Penny had a thought. A terrible thought. A terrible, horrible, _wonderful_ thought.

Before her conscience could get the better of her, she suggested innocently, "You could have a Long Island Iced Tea."

She had to bite on her lip to keep a straight face as she watched him ponder her recommendation.

"Would that calm my nerves?" Sheldon asked trustingly.

Oh, she should feel bad about this. She _knew_ she should. But… drunk Sheldon was just too much fun to pass up. And besides, this was a doing him a service, really.

"It's calmed the pants off me a couple of times," Penny replied dryly.

Sheldon hesitated for a moment, then held up a hand and said, "Sold."

"OK," she said cheerfully, grabbing a glass and setting about making him a nice strong Long Island. "So, the heart you got from the Wizard givin' ya trouble?"

"The trouble isn't with me, Penny, it's with _your_ gender," Sheldon said with a sigh. "You know, someday scientists will discover that that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle."

His expression was sulky and reminded her strongly of her youngest nephew.

"Yeah, Amy told me what happened," Penny told him, briskly pouring vodka into the glass. "Apologize. It'll warm her 'twaddle.'"

Sheldon let out another sigh. This one could almost match Amy's for melodramatic deepness.

"It's a Band-Aid at best," he said. "See, the core problem is that Amy and Wil do not like each other. Which is baffling, because they're both _crazy_ about _me_. And I like _them_, which indicates that they are bright and interesting and/or on Star Trek…"

"Honey, you can't make people like each other," Penny told him patiently.

Sheldon looked up at her in surprise.

"Not true," he said. "Leonard made me like you. And let me tell you, that was a hard row to hoe."

Penny fought back the pang of hurt that this comment caused her.

She'd always thought that Sheldon liked her for _her_, not because Leonard had _made_ him. Of course, throughout the years, Sheldon had frequently said that he only put up with her for Leonard's sake, but she'd never thought he actually _meant_ it. After all, he'd seemed to like her well enough when they'd first met. (Hell, at first she'd thought that he was _flirting_ with her.) And he'd chosen to remain friends with her instead of Raj.

So yeah. This kinda really stung.

No longer feeling guilty in the slightest, Penny pushed the freshly-mixed Long Island Iced Tea towards him.

"Cheers, Pal!" Sheldon said brightly, raising his glass to her. After taking a sip, he beamed and said, "Oooo. Boy, that is a treat that's hard to beat!"

Yep. There was the lightweight Sheldon that she knew and loved. His Texan accent was already more pronounced.

Penny bit back a smirk.

"Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I'm havin' a tea party," he added and proceeded to guzzle down his Long Island Iced Tea at an alarming speed.

Leaning forward in concern, she warned him, "You might want to pace yourself."

"I drink tea all the time," Sheldon informed her with a condescending sigh, "I think I know what I'm doing."

Well, at least she'd tried.

"Far be it from me to criticize a man with a full pubus," she muttered, hurt lending her tone a bit more edge than she'd intended.

Sheldon gave her a sanctimonious little nod and she restrained the urge to strangle him.

Resigning herself to explaining the intricacies of social protocol to the man child in front of her, Penny began to wipe down the counter.

"Look, Sheldon, your problem is not Wil Wheaton, OK? It's the way you treated Amy," she told him.

Sheldon finished his drink with a slurp and set it down on the bar with a _thunk_.

"The problem is I'm outta tea," he informed her, sliding the glass forwards.

OK, time to bring out the big guns. Really, the things she did for Amy,

"Come on! Someone insulted your girlfriend and you just let him do it?" Penny said, mixing a new Long Island. "Thought you Texas guys stood up for your womenfolk."

Sheldon frowned and said, "Penny, _please_. I think I've evolved beyond my simple rustic upbringing."

"Sorry," Penny muttered half-sarcastically.

_One. _

_Two. _

_Thr – _

"On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman."

Hah! Worked _every_ time.

Still, even she was surprised by how strongly Sheldon had responded. The alcohol must have upped his usual reaction.

"Welcome to Long Island, Tex," she murmured quietly.

Sheldon dropped his eyes and said, "Amy deserves better. You know, when we buy the Planter's Deluxe Mix, she eats all the Brazil nuts so I don't have to look at them. She's a unique blend of saint and squirrel."

That was actually sort of sweet. In a really weird, uniquely Shamy way.

"Yep, that she is," Penny agreed, mentally filing Sheldon's 'compliment' away to repeat to Amy. Sliding his refilled glass towards him, she added, "Here you go."

"I'm a callous egomaniac," Sheldon said despondently. "She's gonna leave me."

"No, she won't," Penny scoffed.

"No she won't," he agreed cheerfully, wiggling about on the barstool and grinning goofily. "I'm great."

He slurped down his Long Island in a single long sip and sighed with satisfaction.

Huh. He really liked his alcohol, didn't he? She'd kinda forgotten how giddy he got once it was in his system.

"Still…" he said thoughtfully. "Wil Wheaton wronged my woman. He must _pay_."

"How you gonna do that?" Penny asked, trying not to snort skeptically.

Sheldon hesitated then nodded to himself and exclaimed, "I'm… gonna track him down and beat a 'pology outta him!"

He wobbled to his feet and started weaving his way towards the exit.

"Sheldon!" Penny called after him. "_Sheldon_!"

With a groan, she set her cleaning cloth on the bar counter and hurried after him.

"Sweetie, you can't just go running off to beat Wil up."

"Why not?" Sheldon asked.

"Because… because he lives too far away for you to walk there!" Penny said, reluctant to admit that she'd given him alcohol, but unwilling to set him loose on the world in his drunken state.

"Then I'll take the bus!" Sheldon proclaimed.

"Sheldon, you hate buses," Penny reminded him. "They're all _germy_ and full of _bacteria_ that make you _sick_. Besides, you don't have your bus pants with you."

Sheldon shuddered, then visibly braced himself and said, "It is a sacrifice that I am willing to make to avenge Amy's honor."

_Riiiight_.

Still, it was sweet in a weird way. That he cared so much about Amy, you know?

Taking a deep breath, Penny decided to make a sacrifice of her own. After all, she'd been the one to get Sheldon drunk. It was only right that she be the one to take responsibility for getting him safely home.

"What if you had another way to get there?" she asked.

"Like what?"

"Like a clean car driven by someone you knew and trusted," Penny said.

"I _suppose_ Leonard might be willing to drive me there…" Sheldon mused.

"I meant _me_, you idiot!" Penny said.

"Penny," Sheldon sighed. "Don't be ridiculous; your car isn't _clean_."

"It's sure as hell cleaner than the bus," Penny emphasized.

"That is true," Sheldon ruminated. Then, as though it had just occurred to him, he said, "Penny, I have an idea! Why don't _you_ drive me there!"

"Gee, Sheldon, what a good idea," Penny said sarcastically.

"I am a brilliant mind," Sheldon said without a trace of false modesty.

"Just let me finish up my shift and I'll drive you," Penny said with a sigh. "Fifteen more minutes, OK? Can you wait fifteen more minutes?"

"Weeellll…"

"Wil Wheaton will still be there, I promise," Penny said dryly, propelling him back towards the bar.

"You can't know that," Sheldon protested.

"Women's intuition," Penny told him.

"Well that's just hokum," Sheldon said, plopping back onto the barstool.

Penny raised an eyebrow.

"…although the women in my family do possess an uncanny knowledge of human interactions," he mused. "Very well."

"Just stay put, OK, sweetie?" Penny said.

"You say that like I'm a dog or something," Sheldon murmured sulkily.

When she glared at him, he wilted slightly and muttered, "Fine. Woof."

-–- -–- -–- -–- -–-

Twenty minutes later, they were on the road to Wil Wheaton's house.

Fortunately, alcohol didn't seem to mess with Sheldon's sense of direction too badly, so they managed to get there in decent time.

"You sure you want to do this?" Penny asked, watching him struggle to open the car door.

"Penny, _please_," Sheldon scoffed. "I may be a genius, but I am still a Texan."

"OK," Penny said. "Oh, and uh, do you mind not telling Wil that I drove you here?"

She wasn't entirely sure _why_ she didn't want Wil to know that she was involved in this. It just felt important for some reason, even if she couldn't put a finger on it. And Penny was a big believer in going with her gut.

"Are you asking me to lie?" Sheldon asked, eyes wide. "I can't lie, Penny."

"What? Noooo," Penny said quickly. "Not to _lie_, exactly. Just… don't volunteer the information."

"But what if he asks?"

"Tell him you took the bus."

"But that would be a lie."

"Fine," Penny said with a sigh, brain working at warp-speed. "I hereby christen this car 'Bus.' Bam! You took the 'Bus.' Get it?"

Sheldon frowned and shook his head slowly.

"Since I've named my car 'Bus,' you won't be lying when you say that you rode here in the 'Bus.'"

Sheldon's eyes widened further and then he chuckled breathily.

"It isn't a lie because it's called 'Bus!'" he exclaimed gleefully. "Very clever, Penny."

Penny beamed.

Drunk Sheldon could be awfully nice.

"Go get 'em, Tex," she said, leaning over and opening the car door for him.

And as she watched him stumble off up Wil Wheaton's driveway, she silently prayed that she wouldn't be scraping him off of the porch in a few minutes.

-–- -–- -–- -–- -–-

Ten minutes later, Sheldon wove his way back to the car, looking pale and queasy but otherwise unharmed.

"So, how'd it go?" she asked.

"Wil Wheaton apologized," Sheldon said. "I vomited on his bushes."

Penny nodded encouragingly as she shifted the car out of park and into drive.

"You're a good friend, you know that, Penny?" Sheldon said, eyes fluttering shut. "A true blue friend."

Truly touched – Sheldon's words of appreciation were few and far between – Penny murmured, "Aww, thanks, Sheldon."

A loud snore greeted her.

And with a smile of fond exasperation, Penny pulled out onto the street and began the long drive back to Pasadena.


End file.
